There seems to be a trend towards family estrangements. I recently read that one in four of us experiences this phenomenon, while one in ten involves the disconnection between a parent and child.
Making a break from an unhealthy family member or loved one with a history of hurtful behaviors can be the most healing, self-loving act one can take for their mental, physical, and emotional health. When our loved ones act unconsciously, perpetuating their unresolved pain on to us without acknowledgement or a willingness to seek help and/or change their behaviors, setting and holding boundaries are vital to our well-being.
Boundaries are the rules or limits we express to others to let them know what words and behaviors we will and will not accept. Setting boundaries can be as simple as saying, “No,” or “I feel uncomfortable when ….” Sometimes it requires having a difficult conversation to express our thoughts and feelings about someone’s words and/or behaviors and the impact on us.
I view boundaries as a gate around us which can be opened when we feel safe and comfortable, and closed when we don’t. We take people and situations as they come and use discernment about when to open or close our gates. Some of us have more rigid boundaries with closed gates, generally lacking a sense of trust and safety due to past harm, and therefore may become isolated, mistrustful, and disconnected from others. Others of us have wide-open gates, lacking discernment, self-esteem, or courage to speak our truth, leaving us unsafe, disempowered, and resentful. I believe the key is balance – being fluid and flexible so that we are open to connection, while also keeping ourselves safe from harm.
When we have expressed our boundaries with our loved ones and they continue to ignore them and cause harm, then we must make the hard decisions about whether to maintain the relationship, temporarily or indefinitely. It may be helpful to seek counsel about this decision and how to most effectively communicate it. I am deeply grateful for the Nonviolent Communication process by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg which provides a clear roadmap for having difficult conversations. I share this process with clients and support them with preparing for these discussions so they can feel confident and courageous.
Yet in some cases, our loved ones have made these painful decisions without warning or discussion. It may come out of the blue, leaving us feeling shocked, hurt, and confused. We may not be given the opportunity to communicate about what led to this decision or how to resolve it. This can cause immense suffering on both sides, especially as time goes on with little to no hope of resolution. Birthdays, holidays, important life events are missed.
We may vacillate between anger, resentment, powerlessness, and grief over the loss of the relationship. Disenfranchised grief occurs when the impact of our loss is not recognized or socially supported; so we may suffer in silence, or be too humiliated to share our pain with others when we internalize and blame ourselves for the separation. This can lead to depression, anxiety, and a whole host of mental and physical challenges.
I believe that many of us lack the communication and relationship skills needed to bridge the divides, so it’s easier to simply disconnect and refuse to express our truths. Perhaps we don’t have confidence in our ability to say what we need to say, so we say nothing at all. Some of us were raised in families where we were expected to push down and ignore our feelings, pretending things were fine when they were not.
We may not have witnessed or experienced our parents or family members having difficult conversations with maturity and respect. They may have ignored the issues by drinking, drugging, numbing or distracting their feelings away, or perhaps they engaged in screaming matches, perpetrated emotional neglect, verbal and or physical abusive behaviors, leaving us conflict avoidant at all costs.
Many of us simply weren’t modeled or taught conflict resolution skills, and so we lack the ability to navigate these rocky roads when encountered. It makes sense we opt for the easy way out by shutting down and moving on; out of sight, out of mind? Maybe, maybe not. These separations take a toll on both the giver and receiver of the estrangement, a graveyard of lost connections and opportunities.
I have been on the receiving end of family estrangements and have suffered immensely by the loss of the sacred relationships in my life. I was not provided the opportunity to discuss what led up to these decisions or any opportunity to resolve their concerns. Many years of separation have now passed, and major life events have been missed. I have little hope that these relationships will be restored and remain brokenhearted, mourning for what has been lost and continues to be lost while these people are still alive.
Making a decision to end a family relationship must not be made lightly. There are consequences, both intended and unintended, that will have lasting impact on many people, not just the ones directly involved. When the decision is made with wisdom, clarity, and mutual respect for the highest good, and communicated honestly, then it is made with love. When the decision is made from a place of anger, fear, or unhealed emotional pain, it can cause great harm for all.
I am honored to support my clients experiencing any part of the spectrum so that the process can be acknowledged, honored, processed, and integrated for moving forward with acceptance and peace.
This human journey is not easy, and of course we make many mistakes along the way. Relationships can bring out the best and the worst in every one of us. Our capacity to manage stressors and our difficult emotions varies day to day, sometimes hour to hour. I love the idea, "Life is a classroom, not a courtroom." May we remember the healing power of forgiveness to set us free from the chains of our grievances and resentments that hurt us. Forgiveness does not mean we will resume the relationship, but that we choose peace and freedom for ourselves.
My favorite forgiveness practice is a Hawaiian prayer called Ho'oponopono:
I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.
I'm sorry for my thoughts, words, and actions that have caused harm and/or contributed to this situation in any way (or that this situation is appearing in my consciousness). Please forgive me. I love you as a fellow human and brother/sister of Creation. Thank you for the lessons and opportunities to learn, grow, and become a better version of mySelf.
Repeat this prayer daily to anyone with whom you hold a grievance and set yourself free.
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